My eyes hurt. Sometimes I feel like I’m about to black out. I eat so much food every day, so many calories, but none of it seems to help me feel better. My body trembles and shakes and my arms and hands feel tingly. In fact, I always feel tingly. And did I mention I’m so, very very tired? And I keep losing weight (which should be a great side effect, but so few of my clothes fit now.)

My emotions are on overdrive, sometimes I’m elated, sometimes I hate everything and everyone and I just want to collapse and hide away from the world. This is not depression, I don’t want to die, I just want to sleep. Sleep. Sleep. And sleep some more. I want my brain to function. It’s like it’s slowly turning into mush.

I’m hoping the screening can be scheduled next week for my hyperthyroidism. I’m on hold right now with the scheduler– it’s been 30 minutes so far.

I didn’t know I could ever be more exhausted than what I was during pregnancy or just after Billy was born. But this, this… I really feel like my brain is dissolving. Billy is 14 months old and I can’t enjoy it, I just want to sleep through it.

After much thought and the fact that I have way too much stuff on my plate to get everything done in time, I have to put a less obsessive-compulsive/anal retentive analysis on here, to get this post off of my to-do list and to share with you my personal decision.

We’re not going to have number 2 just yet.

Typically, I would have written something like a thousand words, brought out suspense, but the Decision is really, when I feel like I could handle another kid and Billy can handle a sibling, that is when we will have another kid.  (I’m all for adopting too, especially since I just spent the past year breastfeeding, effectively reducing my rate for breast cancer by something like 20%, and I like to look hot.  I mean, who doesn’t want to be a MILF?  Wait a minute, I digress.)  There is no dramatic or definitive date for it, we just want our lives to be a little less chaotic and more routine and until our family settles into our new home (another entry, why do I do this to myself?) we’re not going to try anytime soon. However, this decision came out of a huge outpour of supportive moms from Baltimore (I <3 Baltimore moms!) who were willing to give me their personal experiences and my lame internet research.  As a result, I’ve placed the variables that make this decision below and a conclusive statement about, well, how to make this decision.

Variable 1:  Your Fertility and Pregnancy

Several mommies told me that their decision to have two under two was simply that they knew their biological clock was running our and they wanted to have the two themselves.  This was the basis of having two under two, to make sure that they could physically handle it.

However, there is a study that argues to wait, such that the babies are at least 18 months apart, to reduce the chances of “adverse perinatal outcomes” and not to wait longer than 59 months apart, as waiting longer increases the chances of said “adverse perinatal outcomes.”  Though this makes sense, if you are say close to a non-child bearing age, you might want to talk to a doctor/fertility specialist to really feel at the statistics.

There is also an argument for those that had horrible horrible pregnancies and labors that they wanted to wait, simply to make sure they could physically (and sometimes emotionally) handle this. 

I considered this to be the most important factor for me.  It was something that I knew most moms would agree with– if your health or the health of your baby is effected, then it’s something that you should consider seriously and definitely talk with your doctor about it.

Variable 2:  Personality/Health of Your Children and also, Variable 3:  Your Sibling Relationships

(Billy is getting out of separation anxiety, but now screams for everything.    I wonder if he’s a bit high strung.   I wouldn’t blame him, I probably screamed a lot as a baby too because I’m extremely high strung.  But if I have two screamers, I think I might ….  Once again, I digress.)

A huge argument for having two close together, and the only definitive, non-fertility based argument I have heard is that they play better together and have better relationships with each other, which, according to three pysch professionals and doctor, I was told was complete and utter bunk.  I was also told by three other moms that were spaced 4 years or more apart that they see that their relationship with their siblings now, and compared to their peers or ahem, husbands, they felt it was much closer.

I have that exact same experience!

My sister is 8 years younger than me.  We send messages/emails all the time to each other and chat for hours every week or so.  It’s great.  I love her to death.  We go shopping together, watch movies together, joke about mom together– I love my sister.  My peer/husband is two years apart from his sister and they never go shopping together, but he hates shopping so that might explain it.  So your sibling relationships will effect your decision in the long run.

Anyhow, what the professionals say, and what my lame research on the internet says is that it has a lot to do with the personality of the children.  If your kids are happy go-lucky, great.  If not, well, you made your bed.  Now get some coffee and forget about sleeping in it.  So spacing them close together isn’t so great in that situation.  If your kid has health issues, spacing them apart is good so that you can be there for your kid.

My kid is (thank the universe) healthy.  But he is a bit high strung.  Waiting is probably a good thing.  But I’m a little biased.

Love you sis!

Variable 4:  Your Happiness

The biggest response I got out of this is:  DO WHAT WILL MAKE YOUR FAMILY HAPPY.  In all caps.  For emphasis, you know.

If you want to enjoy just having one, do it.  If you want to have two and have your body back, do that.  Whatever you think will make you happy, do that.

I think I may just adopt number 2 at this point.

Variable 5:  Psych Studies

Three years apart is what the professionals recommend (according to said lame internet research) because they have time with you and time to individualize and dethroning isn’t as bad.  So based on personalities, there you go.

There was this one study though, in 1975 saying that the closer to age they are, the more intimate they become as siblings.

And then there was this study that the farther apart they are, the more smarter they are.

And then there was this study that the farther apart they are, they are more like only children.

Did I mention that these studies are typically flawed in some way and get disproven all the time?  Yeah, it’s cause we’re human.  We have lots of variables.  We are not fruit flies.  Or bacteria.

What I do want to say about the psych studies is that they do indicate one thing to me:  there are a lot of people in the world trying to figure out how to space their progeny.  I mean come on, I’m writing this thing and you’re reading it, right?  You may have googled something like “when to have kid 2″ and stumbled upon this lame-o blog.  And you’ll probably go out and read some more crap about it.

Conclusive Statement

But here’s the deal:  It doesn’t freaking matter when you have kid two.

This is the one thing that dawned on me at the end of all of this.  No one is going to say they regret the spacing of their kids.  (There was one, but I think she was having a bad day.)  You are going to love your children.  They are parental crack.  And no matter what happens in your life you’re going to make the best of what you’ve got.

So you can make plans, make decisions, and know one thing:

The Universe has a wicked sense of humor.

http://www.catapultmagazine.com/family-planning/article/one-kid-two-kids-three-kids-four
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9B01E5DF1739F93BA15756C0A963948260&sec=health&spon=&pagewanted=all
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/04/09/earlyshow/living/parenting/main611181.shtml
http://jama.ama-assn.org/cgi/content/short/295/15/1809
http://www.parenting.com/article/Toddler/Relationships/The-Right-Way-to-Space-Siblings-For-You/3
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,999938,00.html
http://www.parents.com/parents/printableStory.jsp?storyid=/templatedata/parents/story/data/1191600078741.xml&catref=cat4620006
http://www.askmoxie.org/2007/06/reader_call_spa.html
http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2007/07/10/optimal-spacing-for-siblings/

For the past 7 or 8 months, Billy has been teething.  Ribbons of drool running down his chin and drenching his shirt is a nice indication of this development and every mother nodded with agreement that he was teething, but not a single mother told me of the horrors of teething at night.  The constant waking and stirrings.  The crankiness.  The needfulness of a baby that doesn’t understand why he is in pain.  The lack of eating.

And for the longest time, I thought it was just sleep issues.  I didn’t equate the two with each other because I couldn’t understand how he could be teething for MONTHS without teeth. 

So, even though there are no teeth showing, all of those symptoms were for Billy teething related.  And that is my rant on teething.

So.  There.

What I failed to mention was that Billy was a surprise.

Some may argue that I was probably hoping to have a kid when we did as in the grand scheme of things it worked out quite well for us, but in all honesty, I did not hope for it at all. A year before Billy was conceived, we had a miscarriage that forced the question between the my husband and I: Do we even want to have children? The answer was a resounding yes, but only after I could start working from home, as my job is in Alexandria and we live in Downtown Baltimore and I had no desire to make that commute nine month pregnant.

You know how you make plans, and then God laughs at you?

Yep. That is exactly what happened.

So God, with his wicked sense of humor, gave us Billy. Or as I like to point out, my husband knocked me up. And nine months later, we have a beautiful baby/toddler boy. But now that Billy is a year old, the question of having another child to complete the family circle is upon us. Although I personally don’t know how I would handle having two children under two, there are arguments that favor this decision (and from all of the parents I have talked to who had two under two, no regrets) and more importantly they say that children spaced 3 years apart are “ideal” because they can play with each other and yet still individualize.

There is no good time to have a baby, but there is an art to it as supported by the internet and all of the personal responses I got on the family boards about this question. (Thank you Baltimore moms and dads!) It seems that no matter what happens or what you’re dealt with, you will make the best of it – because that’s what parents do. But there are lots of factors that weigh into the decision such as the personality/health of your children, your personal happiness, your personal experiences with your own siblings, some psych studies on sibling spacing, and your fertility/pregnancy. These factors are important to note in your own personal decision, and will be further discussed in Part II.

My dilemma is pretty simple: my son has a cousin three months younger than him and it is magical to watch them play together. As in jaw-dropping, makes you melt, awesome magic. It’s this weird drug that compels me to drive four hours each week to see these two munchkins tackle each other. My sister-in-law, the mother of said cousin, is looking to have another kid in the next few months because, according to psychology studies, they children play well together when they are two years apart. Which means if I want a repeat in the magic, my second will be born in the next year or year and a half. I’m not sure her anecdotal evidence and studies are valid enough to make me rush into having child number two anytime soon, although there are more reasons why two under two appeal to me, so I posted this question to the Baltimore parenting boards to get a better idea of what real parents in this situation experience and their honest, and mostly anonymous views on it. So far, the answers are all completely dependent on the above variables, which is also supported by my lame internet research.

—

Part II, which will be posted on Sunday will present said lame research, other mom experiences, and my personal decision.

And I’m still in disbelief.

One year ago, I was stuck in my house, wondering how long my baby would be yellow.  I wondered if I could make it through and be a good mom.  I wondered if I was going to even stay in Baltimore. 

And with all of these new questions, I was truly filled with a new sense of wonder– this little creature of mine had given it to me in an exponential way. 

It is awesome to be a mom.

But I really dislike it when people go into work wearing leggings, instead of pants.

Now I understand that fashion is always changing and it’s up to the work environment to determine the actual dress code, but I don’t think leggings are appropriate at any time. 

Because leggings are just SPANDEX, but less shiny.

Or, alternatively:

Leggings are just long underwear, but in darker colors.

So, unless you think wearing Spandex or long underwear with a tunic to barely cover your bottom is appropriate, please go ahead.   But that is why I think they’re not appropriate for work, no matter how cute they are.

I typically avoid the popular ones (Cheesecake Factory because of its lines, Hard Rock because it’s too loud) but I love walking to Chipotle or Five Guys for an easy dinner.  I enjoy the light exercise and the it’s nice to see the city at night.  However, it gets pricey to eat out at higher end restaurants regularly, but when the Kona Grill opened, I was excited.  After all, it combines my favorite things– sushi and steak.

The food there is chain like (avocado egg rolls, chicken satay, salads) but the ambience is lovely.  You aren’t paying for the food here as much as the ambience– the outdoor sunroom with indoor firepit and two large salt water aquariums really help you feel like you’re in Hawaii.   And although I love my home this time of year, it was nice to have a place that felt open, airy, and extremely tropical.  The restaurant is extremely family friendly (high chairs, changing tables, huge aquariums to distract your child with by playing “Finding Nemo!”) and the food, for what is worth, is filling.  I wouldn’t stop going to Matsuri or Josh for my rolls, but for an easy Inner Harbor dinner (place I can walk to) with baby at 5pm on a Saturday, it was great.

Plus, they have incredible happy hour specials during the week.  I anticipate a jaunt over there again soon.

The idea was pretty simple– I wanted Billy to be Yoda.  And that meant that in the Star Wars family story and lineage, it was obvious that my husband would be Luke, his nephew would be an ewok, his sister would be Leia, his father was Darth, his mom Amidala, and his brother in law would be Han.  Somehow, this costume idea got orchestrated and as a result of some careful planning we all made it down to Fredericksburg, VA, all costumed up and ready to trick or treat at 5pm.

Which happens to be Billy’s dinner time.

Now, I should have known a meltdown was going to happen.  Billy hates it when his schedule or routine is messed with in any shape or form.  We witnessed this with our 17 hour flight to and from China and with how it took 2 weeks for him to return to the EST time zone.  I should have known that we couldn’t leave at 5 to trick or treat, we couldn’t postpone his dinner until 630pm, and lawd have mercy, we should not skip his bath and try to get him to sleep at 730pm by driving home.  

But I was completely oblivious to this because I really, really, really wanted to just get home and this whole Treat or Treat thing was important because I was having a huge sugar crash at 445pm.  I had been out of my house for 3+ weeks and I just wanted to blog something fierce and sit on my comfy sofa with my kitty and the boy sleeping upstairs and goshdarnit I needed some candy to make it through the drive home. 

And because I was oblivious to all of the signs (the unhappy faces at trick or treating, the decreased appetite at dinner), I was treated/tricked to a complete meltdown that kept getting worse and worse as I drove.

As a result, I learned this Halloween is that my wants (yoda costume, candy, getting home), no matter how much I try to have them coincide with the baby’s wants (boobs, naps, on schedule), are completely irrelevant because eventually, if I keep my wants, my baby will make it known that I have failed in doing the one thing that I keep telling him I do at night– make him the first priority.  So despite my best efforts, after dealing with an extremely cranky baby during treak or treating and rushing out of my in-laws to drive home, I turned my car back around 15 minutes after it had left my in-laws to nurse my beautiful bawling baby boy to sleep and then carefully return him to my car that way, to drive the 105 minutes home, during which I kept silently apologizing to my kid.

That was the Halloween Lesson.  In that lesson we learned something else quite important:  that our kid has some inate sense of revenge.  Billy is back on EST time, but his bedtime was now 7pm, meaning that he wakes up at 7am.  It’s like he knows Daylight Savings Time is next weekend.

Three days after we get back from China, Mr. B is fast asleep in his crib at 645pm.  He’s been asleep since 215pm.

I’m pretty sure there will be some screaming tonight at midnight.  Maybe even some tears on my part.  It’s been like that for the past couple of nights– a middle of the night scream fest with me just trying my best to hold it together. 

I think I might deserve a medal for this.